Bik's Olympic Handball Running Diary

One of the coolest things about the Olympics is watching a random sport for about an hour and becoming a self-proclaimed expert on it, and then trying to break down matches with your friends. So having never watched a handball game in my life before, I’m now gonna watch the Womens Montenegro vs. Great Britain match and provide a running diary. Here’s how it transpired from this novice handball watcher.

11:30am PST: The teams are just taking to the floor..Host team gets a pretty big ovation, tough spot to be in for the Montenegrites? Montenegroians???? Other great thing about the Olympics is that you learn things... When did Montenegro get away from Serbia? I’ve always known it as Serbia & Montenegro... Also why does Great Britain get to be a combination of countries? Isn’t that cheating? They just take over Scotland and Wales for 2 weeks and we’re all ok with this? Just based on a opening glance, I’m gonna take Montenegro with the upset. They look like they got some size and grit to them.

11:31am: Montenegro starting with the ball. So the floor looks like a semi-modified basketball court. An arc around the goalie which is essentially the biggest crease ever, I don’t think anybody can go in that just like the NHL circa 1999 (sorry Sabres fans). Also I should point out, I have NO idea of the rules, so if you’re a handball enthusiast, I apologize in advance. Then a dotted line about 5 yards away from the arc looks like a defensive zone where the 6 players are just lined up standing blocking off attacking movements. 1^st shot on goal is a weak one from the corner but the British goalie parries it around the post... Apparently you keep possession even if it goes out and you’re last to touch it.

11:32am: BOOM! Britain tried pulling a fast break after the opening shot and it was defended well. Montenegro goes back the other way on a well-executed fast break as GBR fails to pick up the trailer and Montenegro finds Bojana Popovic, aka my new favourite player, RIFLES a shot. Jumping and throwing over a defender and a rocket to the top right corner. Do goalies even have a chance in this sport?

11:34am: First few possessions were relatively contact free. Latest GBR possession was just a physical battle. MNE defence was everywhere, even picking up a yellow card. GBR shooter tried jumping into the crease and just WWE style the Montenegro defender just bear-hugged her. But they stood tall and got a turnover, back the other way and Radmila MIljanic scores a cheeky goal by flipping it over the goalie on a breakaway. She’s kinda cute too – I might need to change my favourite player. I maintain the goalies should just be props. Break out those “Shooter Tutors” you have for hockey nets..... Britain actually had some good movement on that possession and a decent shot but a save... A SAVE!!! Maybe Montenegro isn’t an underdog in this sport... Oh look at that another goal for them. That’s 3 straight possessions. Doesn’t Britain have to call a timeout here to sway the momentum? Are there even timeouts?

11:35am: MILJANIC WITH THE PICK ON DEFENCE! Stellar D. It looks like the idea is to spread the floor with all 6 of your scorers around the arc, 2 in the corner, 1 in the “post” (I don’t know if it’s called the post but that’s what I’m gonna call it), 3 facilitators up top, and Miljanic snuck outta her corner defensive spot to get the interception, plus she drew a foul. That’s my girl! Then she hit the post on the offensive side of the floor, she’s dominant! But it leads to a GBR fast-break and a goal by..... get this... Kathryn Fudge. 3-1 Montenegro 4 minutes into the game.

11:36am: I just noticed its running time. This is awesome. More sports need to be running time. Wouldn’t basketball be better if it was 15 minute quarters instead of 12 and running time? Man there is just no regard for your opponent when they attack that crease. There’s choke-holds, body slams, and everything. I’m fully expecting the lights to go out and entrance music to come on with someone running down the ramp. “THAT’S RUSSIA’S ANTHEM! IT’S A 3-WAY BATTLE!”

11:37am: The teams trade goals but WUTTA GOAL BY MY GIRL RADMILA MILJANIC!!! She’s operating out of the corner, leaps into the crease (I think if you jump before the crease line, you can throw the ball before you land) gets hit MID AIR, makes the throw HORIZONTALLY, and scores bottom left corner. I’m convinced she’s the Sidney Crosby of Handball. 6-3 Montenegro.

11:40am: WOAH! A penalty shot! This seems almost unfair. 8-3 Montenegro after someone other than Miljanic scores. Do they not trust her in the penalty shot? Is she like Roberto Luongo in those 1 on 1 situations? I’m questioning the Montenegro coaching staff.

11:45am: Montenegro really starting to run away with this game. 11-5. Britain can’t stop their mini 3-woman weave at the top with a back-door cut from the corner girl. See? Its 15 minutes into the game and I’m making up potential strategies but since you probably don’t watch this sport either you just have to nod your head and accept that I’m a self-proclaimed expert.

11:47am: Britain coach finally calls a timeout. Dude – game management is part of your job, this game was getting away from you a while ago. I’m making him out to be the Andy Reid of handball. Zero game management skills.

11:51am: Apparently there is on the fly subs as well. We’re 21 minutes into the game and I don’t think Radmila (we’re on 1^st name basis now) has come off the floor. Your team is up by 7 coach, sub her off, spell her for a bit and keep her fresh for the rest of the game/tourney!

11:53am: HOW DARE YOU FOUL & SLOW DOWN RADMILA ON A FAST BREAK! Argh. This sport is fun but it needs more fast-breaks. Pistol Pete Maravich woulda dominated in this game. Also all these players seem to be 1 handed. You could be an icon in this sport if you could throw bullets with both arms. How is that play not a yellow card? It was a 4 on 3 and 2 defenders just accosted Radmila to break up the transition... ANOTHER GOAL FOR RADMILA!!! HAT-TRICK!!!! And yes I went to my closet, found a hat and threw it on the floor..... I don’t think a hat-trick is as big of a deal in Handball though. I mean its 15-9 now and we’re still in the first half, so they must be a common occurrence.

12:01pm: And now a Power-Play for Montenegro. GBR has the ball to begin with and I don’t think there’s a shot clock... How could there not be a shot-clock? What’s stopping you from protecting a 1 goal lead? Someone needs to design a neutral zone trap for handball. It’d be revolutionary. Half-time 18-12 Montenegro. I can’t tell if that’s a low-scoring or high-scoring affair for Handball. Either way, good entertainment.

12:17pm: I think half-time speeches musta been pretty easy for both coaches. Montenegro coach: Keep this up, we’ll be fine. Great Britain Coach: Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! Seriously, how else are you going to inspire this team?

12:19pm: 1^st goal of the 2^nd half is a penalty shot for Great Britain and the chick double-clutched on the shot. That should be disallowed. It’s 1 of my rule changes I thought of during half-time. You should be allowed to do off-the-ball screens/pick n' roll's. It would open the floor up and allow for more shots. Also, make the nets a lot smaller, no crease and have a shot-clock. This sport is like the anti Gary Bettman philosophy. In fact, why am I conjuring up all these rule changes? Why doesn’t the NHL just fire Bettman, he takes over Handball. This sport is tailor made for him. High-scoring games, low-profile teams getting big stages. C’mon Gary, its win-win for everyone involved.

12:25pm: Took me 6 minutes into the 2^nd half but I finally noticed what its missing. RADMILA!!!! WHERE IS SHE?!!? Did they sub her out? I should also note I’m watching online and there’s no commentary. It’s kind of refreshing not having commentary. I’d much rather listen to just ambient game sound and the crowd than someone terrible calling the game. I’m looking at you Rod Black.

 12:26pm: I’ve noticed a few shots have gone off the post but they don’t careen off the post like they do in hockey or soccer. Considering the speed the balls are being thrown at and how close they are to the goal you’d figure they’d ricochet all the way down to the other side of the floor. GBR making a bit of a comeback, its 19-14 but they’ve stood up defensively a few possessions. Still no sign of Radmila.

12:28pm: Montenegro scores to make it 20-14 and restore a 6 goal lead. That goal went 5 hole, and it looks WAY worse in handball than it does hockey.

12:32pm: HAHAHA #7 on GBR got like a 5 stride run into a shot but was met by a double brick WALL of the Montenegrian (seriously somebody tweet me what you would actually call someone from Montenegro... @StretfordBik) defence. And then got 1 of those “NOT UP IN HERE” stare-downs. That was a game-changer right off the start of this game. GBR is at home, why they didn’t take a stupid foul to set the tone. A “NOT IN MY HOUSE!” foul. Just flat out clothesline someone.

12:35pm: Another HARD foul by Montenegro met by a chorus of boo’s from the home crowd. Montenegro doesn’t seem phased, they’re sealing this game shut, 10 to go up 6. With hard fouls, big shots, and fast paced action, how is this sport not bigger in America?

12:39pm: Another penalty shot, that’s about 5 in this game, not one of them saved. The goalies just kind of flail in the net hoping a limb makes contact. They look more hapless than lacrosse goalies. And at least they have padding. GBR just took another timeout and they finally showed the coaches name. “Jesper Holmris”. THAT’S NOT BRITISH! They could choose from ALL OF GREAT BRITAIN but they took this guy out of Denmark. He can’t represent the Queen in a competition like this. No wonder why this team is playing so uninspired.

12:42pm: Jovanka Radicevic just scored to make it 26-16. She had a breakaway from about half, and I just don’t see how a goalie is ever going to stop a 1 on 1 situation. There’s still some time to go in the game but I’m giving hit of the game to Radicevic, and goal of the game to Radmila. Who still hasn’t made an appearance in this second half. I think the coaching staff decided to rest the star player. Woulda been nice to see her score another goal to round out an impressive performance. I’ll also give her player of the game. Just cause I can.

12:45pm: Britain has totally abandoned playing any sort of defence now. Pushing for goals and everything is just fast-breaks for Montenegro. If more of the game was like this, and the nets were smaller, I think you’d see some wicked creativity in this sport. WHOOO!! shot of Radmila on the bench! Also Montenegro just made it 30-16. Is the 14 goal lead in handball similar to the 2 goal lead in hockey?! Can you pull the goalie in handball? Or just make the goalie an extra attacker? I wanna be commish for handball in North America. Campaign starts now #BikForHandballCommissioner

12:46pm: FINALLY! A clothesline/chokehold type move by a British player and some trash talk!!! I mean, she’s down 13 goals and there’s 4 minutes left in the game, BUT WHERE WAS THAT PASSION EARLIER!

12:52pm: Pretty uneventful final 4 minutes. Best part was my stream went to a commercial for VISA and it was Morgan Freeman’s voice. But the games over 31-19 win for Montenegro. Until next game Radmila. #2 in the program #1 in my heart.......... Oh beach volleyball is on... We’re not “exclusive” right?