Bik's Week 5 Picks: Name Game

In yesterday’s piece I wrote about Greg Zuerlin’s early season success as the Rams kicker spawning a few nick-names for him that are both apt, and terrific. LegaTron and Young G.Z. the 2 leading candidates. It made me wonder where those nicknames would rank on a list of active players and their nick names. So naturally the only way to figure that out is to develop a system to determine the best sports nick-names, and then rank them.

 Listed below is the criteria for the ranks, and they are listed in their order of importance:

• Are you good in your sport? This is most important. There’s no sense having a great nickname and barely getting playing time.
• Is it unique? If a friend says to me “OH MAN – DID YOU SEE (insert nickname here) MAKE THAT PLAY?” Is your nickname unique enough that I’m immediately going to think of you?
• Does the name flow well? Can’t stress enough how important this is – if it’s easier to go by your real name because your nick-name is a mouthful, what’s the point of having it.
• Does your nickname reflect your style of play? Extra points if your nick-name is so apt to what you do as a player.
• Does your nickname reflect your position? Extra point is your nick-name is relative to your position.
• Does your nickname reflect your personality? If your teammates have you just pegged into a role, and it’s spawned a nick-name, that’s just great.
• Does your nickname have a pop-culture reference? Being labelled as a Transformer is not only great, but also nostalgic. (Corollary: Is it a good pop-culture reference... Being known as a Ninja Turtle --- Good.... Being known as a Care Bear --- not so much)
• Does it Rhyme? This is last on the list because it’s kind of a cop-out and fighters use it more than anyone but because they tend to flow, it has to be a part of the criteria.

A few important notes: Boxers & Fighters have a tougher time making this list because nearly EVERY one of them has a nick-name so when you see so many in your sport, all the nicknames just become watered down. Also anybody who thinks a nickname is just taking a players last name and adding “-ers” or “-y” to the end of it, OR shortening a player’s name... needs this article more than anything. Also just using initials. Those aren’t nicknames. So sorry to “A-Rod”, “Stammer”, “Kes”, “GSP” or “Colesy” but none of you guys made the list. And finally, you’ll see a few players with initials make it, however if you can come up with a clever way of incorporating those initials – then its ok.

So with the criteria in place, below are the top 50 nicknames of ACTIVE players.

1. Darrelle Revis: Revis Island – Top of the charts. It hits on so many levels. He’s elite, unique, fits PERFECTLY to what he does on a field, flows well. Just perfect.
2. Calvin Johnson: MegaTron – He COULD be first if he was more evil, but by all accounts MegaTron is one of the nicest guys in the game.
3. Darren McFadden: Run DMC – He’s good at running back, and they’ve worked in a cultural reference. Boom!
4. Ben-Jarvus Green-Ellis: Law Firm – This name scores highly in the “Flow” department. And it fits really well for his name.
5. LeBron James: King – If he didn’t win a title, he’d be lower... But its finally time to anoint him as King James.
6. Anrei Kirilenko: AK47 – Initials? Check. Jersey Number? Check. Russian? Check. Name of a gun? Check. Name of Gun made in his homeland Russia? Check
7. Dwight Howard: Superman – Before you think “Wait – Shaq was Superman...” Remember that Shaq is Diesel and The Big Aristotle before Superman.
8. Jeremy Lin: Super Lintendo – Another one that hits on many levels, he needs a prolonged stretch of success to have him climb the ranks.
9. Jonathan Toews: Captain Serious – This guy couldn’t be any dryer in life. And this nick-name hits it outta the park.
10. James Reimer: Optimus Reim – If only he was better. This would be top 3.
11. Jon Jones: Bones
12. LeSean McCoy: Shady
13. Marshawn Lynch: Beast Mode
14. Ben Roethlisberger: Big Ben
15. David Ortiz: Big Papi
16. Jose Bautista: Joey Bats
17. Serge Ibaka: I-Block-A
18. Greg Zuerlein: Young G.Z / LegaTron
19. Bernard Hopkins: The Executioner
20. Chris Johnson: CJ2K
21. Shawn Marion: The Matrix
22. Adrian Peterson: All Day
23. Dave Bolland: The Rat
24. Gilbert Arenas: Agent Zero
25. Steve Nash: Hair Canada
26. Mariano Rivera: Sandman
27. Red Rifle: Andy Dalton
28. Johan Franzen: The Mule
29. Quinton Jackson: Rampage
30. Marc-Andre Fleury: Flower
31. Anderson Silva: The Spider
32. Dustin Byfuglien: Big Buff
33. Ryan Braun: The Hebrew Hammer
34. Paul Pierce: The Truth
35. Dwayne Wade: Flash
36. Andre Johnson: The Natural
37. Kevin Garnett: The Big Ticket
38. Vince Carter: Vinsanity
39. Teemu Selanne: The Finnish Flash
40. Terrell Suggs: T-Sizzle
41. Devin Hester: Windy City Flyer
42. Glen Davis: Big Baby
43. Ray Allen: Jesus Shuttlesworth
44. Zdeno Chara: Big Z
45. Matt Cookie: Cookie Monster
46. Chad Johnson: Ocho-Cinco
47. Tim Duncan: The Big Fundamental
48. Kam Chancellor: Bam-Bam
49. Richard Hamilton: Rip
50. Ron Artest: Metta World Peace – WAIT?!?! THAT’S NOT HIS NICK-NAME?!

If you think of any others, write it below... Onto week 5 picks

Home team in CAPS.

RAMS (+2) over Cardinals

Rams won 17-3 on Thursday Night.

Falcons (-3) over REDSKINS

That was a huge wake-up game for the Falcons last week vs. the Panthers. Expect them to control RG3 better than they did Cam Newton.

Eagles (+3.5) over STEELERS

The Eagles might just enjoy playing in close games.

Packers (-7) over COLTS

You realize of course that last week’s game vs. the Saints isn’t even remotely close if Aaron Rodgers doesn’t get poked in the eye right? Keep him in that game and Graham Harrell doesn’t subsequently step on his lineman’s leg at the goal-line fumbling the ball leading to Drew Brees throwing a TD on the following drive. 14 pt swing changed that game.

GIANTS (-8.5) over Browns

This is that game that I have every week where I really don’t wanna pick a winner. Doesn’t this just seem like the type of home game the Giants would screw up? But then again, am I really gonna trust Brandon Weeden?

Titans (+5.5) over VIKINGS

I’m sure there’s no direct correlation between Jake Locker leaving the game, and Chris Johnson having his best game of the season. Teams might actually be worried that the Titants can throw the ball now with Matt Hasselbeck.

BEGNALS (-3) over Dolphins

Sure the Dolphins have lost back-back overtime games against teams that are a combined 6-3. But those teams are the Jets and Cardinals. Not exactly offensive juggernauts.

Ravens (-6) over CHIEFS

When you hear the words “Brady Quinn” and “might start” – you immediately take the other team no matter the line. These are just rules of life.

Seahawks (+3) over PANTHERS

This pick has nothing to do with my fandom for the ‘hawks. *innocent whistle*

Bears (-5.5) over JAGUARS

Blaine Gabbert held the active record for QB’s with the most attempts without a pick last week for about 10 minutes. Then when that stat became public knowledge, he threw a pick. Now he plays the Bears. I’m sure nothing will go wrong.

Broncos (+6.5) over PATRIOTS

Colour me crazy but I actually think the Broncos have been mildly better this indicates. Take away that 1 quarter against the Falcons (heck, take away 1 turnover) and suddenly they probably win that game. And they were simply overmatched (as everyone has been) vs. Houston. It’s open to the backdoor cover.

49ERS (-9.5) over Bills

Sure Ryan Fitzpacktrick threw 4 picks vs. New England.... But that was at home, and against a worse defence. This one is on the road, vs. the toughest defence in the league. Wait what? That’s not 19.5?!

Chargers (+3.5) over SAINTS

I really didn’t get this one from the moment I saw it. I get Rivers in a dome. A defence that couldn’t stop a 5 year old kid playing on Easy in Madden. AAAAND I’m getting more than a field goal.... C’monn, I don’t care how much Brees breaking Johnny Unitas’ record will mean to that team, still not winning by more than a field goal.

Texans (-8.5) over JETS

After watching the Jets thoroughly embarrass themselves vs. the 49’ers, I said to myself... “Even if this was 15 points I would consider taking it...” – So thanks for the Touchdown differential

This Week: 1-0

Last Week: 8-7

Season: 32-30-1