- Arizona Cardinals – Princess Fiona: She started out in the Shrek series as this pristine princess and turned into an ogre. Cardinals were 4-0.... you see where I’m going with this.
- Atlanta Falcons – The 1972 Miami Dolphins: Because they always celebrate when an undefeated team loses – Falcons losing this week.
- Baltimore Ravens - Roger Goodell: Just way too many injuries for this team, I’m sure those 4 games in 17 days had nothing to do with it. Oh by the way Roger Goodell is all about player safety.
- Buffalo Bills – Apple iPhone: They paid all this money to bring in Mario Williams, re-signed Ryan Fitzpatrick to a big deal... but much like the Samsung GS3... the next big thing was already here with the Patriots in division.
- Carolina Panthers – Stormtrooper: Stormtroopers have such poor shooting accuracy, much like Cam Newton and throwing.
- Chicago Bears –Smokin’ Jay Cutler: As if there was a different costume they could be.
- Cincinnati Bengals – A Pillow: They could and maybe should have won that Steelers game if they weren’t so soft.
- Cleveland Browns – Adam Schefter: So they can report on how they will trade away the 1st overall pick because they’re committed to Brandon Weeden and won't select Matt Barkley.
- Dallas Cowboys – Freddy Krueger: Watching the Cowboys late in games is a nightmare.
- Denver Broncos – Doctor/Surgeon: You know, to pay homage to the profession that saved Peyton Manning’s neck.
- Detroit Lions – Tin Man: A could be decent team if they had any heart.
- Green Bay Packers - Batman: Batman has so many gadgets, and there are so many weapons for Aaron Rodgers.
- Houston Texans – Charlie Sheen: #winning
- Indianapolis Colts – Hugh Hefner: How often do you think Colts management just stands back, arms around girls, looking at Andrew Luck and not think “Man – I really won at life.”
- Jacksonville Jaguars – Kevin McAllister (Macaulay Culkin): His family forgot him in “Home Alone” and now with MJD out this team is very forgettable.
- Kansas City Chiefs - Michael Bolton obsessed with Pirates of the Caribbean: Also because I just wanted to hear this song, but the making of this team feels kind of random. Much like this music video.
- Miami Dolphins – Kick-Ass: The awkward “super-hero”... I kind of think this Miami team is awkwardly good.
- Minnesota Vikings – Luke Skywalker: This team has a lot of pieces that are really like-able. They’ll figure out how to use the force to their advantage soon enough.
- New England Patriots – Scream Mask: The first of these movies could have been deemed “scary” but now the Scream movies are comical in nature. The dynasty Pats were scary, but now the league has the recipe to beat them – Toss it deep. But I still wouldn't want someone wielding a knife near me.
- New Orleans Saints – Dog the Bounty Hunter: If I need to explain this one please kindly remove the rock that is above you.
- New York Giants – Ugly Duckling: They look bad to begin the year, but by the end of the season might be holding another trophy.
- New York Jets – Tebowing: 1 way to salvage the season.
- Oakland Raiders – Iceberg: They could also be the Titanic – either way it represents a sinking ship.
- Philadelphia Eagles – Mitt Romney / Big Bird: It’s a duo costume, but much like Romney would fire Big Bird, the Eagles are going to fire Andy Reid is they don’t do big things this year.
- Pittsburgh Steelers – Old man: 2 of their 3 losses this year came past their bed time, I mean were in night games.
- St. Louis Rams – A Moustache: Have you seen Jeff Fisher’s upper lip toupee? It’s glorious.
- San Diego Chargers – Honey Boo Boo: This team and this show just need to go away. I’m sick of Rivers and Honey Boo Boo.
- San Francisco 49ers – Bam Bam (Flinstones): They will pick you up and slam you around until you give in.
- Seattle Seahawks - Rodney Dangerfield: I tell ya – this team gets no respect. Mainly cause of that Green Bay game, but they’re quietly putting together a good season.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Replacement Official: The non-call last week wasn’t as bad as the Packers game, but it wasn’t good.
- Tennessee Titans – Roulette Wheel: You just never know which Chris Johnson is going to show up.
- Washington Redskins – Superman: RG3 seems to have just thrown on a cape and revitalized a football franchise from obscurity.
Onto the Week 8 picks. Home team in CAPS.
Buccaneers
(+7) over VIKINGS
Buccaneers won 36-17 on Thursday Night.
Patriots (-7) over RAMS
Technically the Rams are the “home team” here but this is
the annual game that’s being played IIIIINNNNN
LLLLONDON!!!! Taking the Rams out of
their dome doesn’t bode well for them and the Pats need to conjure up a
statement game very soon to strike some fear into the league again.
TITANS (-3.5) over Colts
I hate that this is more than a field goal, but I think
Chris Johnson is going to have a field day vs. the Colts. And Hasselbeck can
manage the game well enough to keep Andrew Luck at bay.
PACKERS (-14.5) over Jaguars
Normally this many points I would just take the Jaguars
because NOOOOBODY is going to pick against the Packers – but these past 2 weeks
from Rodgers and that offence have felt kind of “statement” gamey. They’ll keep
the train rolling here considering the Jags don’t have MJD or a fully
healthy Gabbert. And it’s not like Blaine was lighting the world on fire when
he was healthy.
Chargers (-3) over BROWNS
You didn’t really think I was going pick the Browns 3 weeks
in a row did you?
EAGLES (-3) over Falcons
I’m fully prepared to have this pick positively blow up in
my face – but the Falcons, while winning, haven’t been impressive in nearly a
month. Andy Reid however has a career record of about 37402 – 1 coming off a
bye week (actual stat is 13-0). You’d like to think they sorted out some
issues, and they did fire their defensive coordinator so expect that defence
to be ramped up this week.
Seahawks (+2.5) over LIONS
Did the Lions do anything on Monday night that made you
think “Hmm – this team could be good.” Score-line didn’t reflect the overall
feel of that game because the Bears fully dominated it and the interior line
for the Lions looks to be in shambles. And they still can’t figure out how to
get the ball to Mega-Tron in the end-zone.
Dolphins (+2) over JETS
You’ve booked a vacation – it was months down the road and
you’ve been looking forward to it. Its 3 days away.... there’s no way you’re
even remotely productive at work right now. Mentally you’ve checked out and are
already on holidays. The Jets were basically left for dead after that San Fran
game a month ago. And credit to them for basically going hard at it for 3 weeks
in a row. They’ve gone 1-2 in that stretch. Their bye-week is looming large
next week and this is the perfect “check-out” game even if it’s against a
divisional rival.
BEARS (-7.5) over Panthers
I’m not so sure if I get this... The Bears were 6.5 point
favourites against the Lions but are 7.5 against the Panthers? You telling me
the Panthers are 1 point worse than the Lions? No waaaaaay. At least Stafford
can whip the ball around the field accurately. Cam Newton 3 picks. I’m calling
it now.
Redskins (+4) over STEELERS
I’m still drinking the RG3 Kool-Aid. Steelers D without
Polamalu in this are going to get shredded. I get that they have a lot of
pride, and aren’t getting the respect they probably deserve. But they deserve
that respect based on past glories. There’s a bit of an edge missing to them
now as they look a bit soft now.
Raiders (+1) over CHIEFS
I’m going back to my “if Brady Quinn is playing – pick
whoever is against Brady Quinn” rule. But I might watch this came for the
comedic value alone. Carson Palmer trying to out-do Brady Quinn. “Oh you can
throw a pick on a 7 yard hitch route? Watch me throw a pick on this screen
pass”
Giants (-2) over COWBOYS
I’m telling you – Tom Coughlin knows which games to lose,
and which to win. You think anybody remembers that Week 1 loss to the Cowboys
if they beat them here? Plus the Giants on the road with basically every
football fan watching this game (only other game on at this time is the
Raiders-Chiefs game). All of this has the makings of a Romo explosion. Or a
Romo meltdown. A Romolt-down. Yea. Romolt-Down. Let’s go with that.
BRONCOS (-6) over Saints
New Orleans is riding an extremely precarious karma balance.
Go back all the way to Katrina. They had all the good karma coming to them and
it manifested into Drew Brees leading them to a Superbowl. Then Bounty-Gate
happened. Black clouds swirled around this franchise and were struck down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger. Then the Brees’ record breaking game was
there, and really they should have lost that. The Chargers went The Chargers
and Norv Turner put on his Norv Turner suit and blew that game properly. Then
SOMEHOW last week they get away with a BLATANT PUSH in the end-zone on the
final play of the game with the ref standing right there, who has the audacity
to call the receiver out of bounds. Either way – karma is going to find you New
Orleans. And Peyton is going to bring it to you in a night game.
49ers (-7) over CARDINALS
Unless the Patrick Peterson can break off a big return, or
they cause a Frank Gore fumble near San Fran’s own goal-line, I seriously don’t
see how the Cardinals even score in this game. A team down 2 running backs (and
yes I know LaRod Stephens Howling had a huge game last week – but it was
against the Vikings who just gave up over 200 yards to Doug Martin as well, so
let’s take that performance with a pinch of salt), back to their former
starting QB. Yea cause that’s what you want leading your offence, your former
starter who won the job in camp but has zero victories to his name... he’s back
in the fold. 49’ers can kick 3 FG’s and cover this.
This
Week: 1-0
Last Week: 7-6
Season: 52-51-1
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